I just saw a blog post admonishing all of us to stop hiding from the camera. I`ll be the first to admit that I have a problem with it. When I see someone has a camera out, I run for the hills. I don`t want people to see my goofy smile, my buck teeth, my messy hair. I don`t want them to see my bright red arms that happen no matter what running or yoga I do to try and improve my poor circulation. I don`t want to see it, and I really don`t want the world to see it.
So I read this post, and I totally connected. Though I`ve never been in any kind of car accident worse than a fender bender, aren`t I one of the first people to know how important every second of life is? When I explained in one of my prior posts that that I had gluten problems, and pre diabetes to boot; I didn`t really expand on the fact that that was a conclusion made after years of being diagnosed. I spent all of that time thinking I was crazy, or soon to die. I was sure that, as awful as I was feeling, sooner or later I would be in the hospital, or the morgue. It was a terrifying thought. The knowledge that I wouldn`t die, that I could do things and feel life coursing through my still live veins was powerful and freeing.
But I didn`t poison my body all those years without some lasting effects.
Not only did I lack the energy and drive to do any physical exercise, but I also gained weight from eating more and more, as my body never registered the poisons as food. I never felt full, and I had to eat more, but it still wasn`t enough. I couldn`t work any of that off, as I had no energy, gasping for air after a dash across the room.
I looked like a mess, and I knew it.
And when you spend your youth, your most formative days, feelings fat and gross and disgusting? It`s hard to shake that feeling off. It is hard to stop feeling so bad, and feel like you are part of the world. To feel like you belong in that world, or at least within your own skin.
So, I`m trying. I`m trying to let go of my anxiety, just as I`m trying to eat my food in front of witnesses, and fight the urges to anorexic behavior. These changes come slowly, but I`ve made progress. In the past year, there are more than ten surviving photos of me, including a few where I`m carelessly hamming it up. Can I please just ask that those photos stay off of Facebook?